Sunday, January 5, 2014

Interview with David Hayes.

Full Name:
David C. Hayes

Do you have a nickname or what do your friends call you?
Dave, generally, but I have answered to just about anything.
I always say that as long as they spell it correctly on the checks they can call me whatever they please.
Checks?  What are these things you speak of?  I am unfamiliar!
If you’re lucky, sometimes they come after you publish books.

Garden City, MI

Current hometown:
Howell, MI

Favorite city and why?
Chicago.  I met my wife there and that is the only place I have ever felt creatively free.

Birthday / Age:
November 24th / 42

How would you describe yourself physically?

Former athlete.  Very former.  Currently morbidly obese.
Watch out for that.  Life might suck, but it beats the alternative.
Oh, I didn’t say anything sucked.  Consuming large amounts of beer, yummy food and watching television is infinitely better than training to tear other men limb from limb.  That is hard work.
It is, isn’t it?

How would someone else describe you physically?

The first thing people notice about you is…
My incredibly large ass.
I met a girl through the internet one time.  I wasn’t really that suspicious that she never sent any full-body pictures.  She was decent from the tits up.  I drove out to spend a weekend with her.  When she opened the door, she was pear-shaped.  Really pear-shaped.  I mean, walk through doorways sideways pear-shaped.  We went out to see a movie and she had to push the seat in my Camry back all the way to accommodate her huge ass.  When we went to the theater, she wanted to sit in the back of the theater so we could maybe make out or whatever.  The seats in the back didn’t have handrests, and she cut her jeans and cut herself on the metal handrest frames.  We went back to her place and I tried to postpone the inevitable by reading books from her library.  She invited me to go to bed with her and her bed had a huge rut in the middle of it where the springs gave up trying to support her giant ass.  I had sex with her a couple times because I’d feel terrible having to tell her that her giant ass made having sex with her impossible.  Plus I figured I’d been lucky in love and hooked up with some girls that were definitely out of my league so this was my way of turning the wheel of sexual karma.  I left the next day while she was at work to avoid having to have sex with her again.  Plus she was really annoying.  She liked to complain.  If you’re going to have a huge ass, you should at least have a cheerful disposition to balance it out.  She messaged me a week later telling me I gave her Chlamydia.  I do not, nor have I ever had Chlamydia, so I guess I’m lucky she didn’t give it to me.  Moral of the story?  Always make sure you see a full-body shot before driving out to fuck someone you haven’t met before.
Interesting story.  There are benefits to dating someone in the shape of a Christmas tree.  First and foremost, while orally pleasuring one another, you may call that particular position “66” and no one will know what you’re talking about.  I’m curious, though, how a cheerful disposition would balance out a large ass.  How much does a cheerful disposition weigh?  It doesn’t matter, you still have to buy two seats at the movies.

Religion, if any?

Are you superstitious at all? Any phobias?
I used to have a terrible clown phobia, but have been slowly destroying that writing about them.  I’m afraid of boredom.
I’ve never had much use for anyone that gets themselves done up in clown-face.  I always think there’s something creepy about them if they find that psychologically gratifying.   And, well, John Wayne Gacy.  That being said, I think Angus Oblong is okay.  Everyone else, if I ever have kids, you won’t be invited to babysit them.
Lately I have been fascinated with Puddles Pity Party.  He is a seven foot clown that sings and has the voice of an angel.  I could grow up to be him.  Oh, and Gacy, yeah. Interesting story.  I bought a piece of original John Wayne Gacy artwork in a Panera Bread parking lot.  Bizarre.  We used it as the cover for the special convention issue of Serial #1, the anthology comic from Source Point Press.

Do you smoke / drink? If so, what? Any bad habits?
Used to smoke.  I just made a New Year’s Resolution to drink more.  I have mild OCD, too.
How does your OCD manifest itself?
It’s horrible.  I can’t ignore things like dishes, laundry, messes, chairs not pushed in, etc.  My family preys on me.

Current occupation / Dream job:
Writing Professor / Criminal Profiler

What do you like to do when you’re not at work?
I make custom Mego action figures of my favorite superheroes from the 1970s.
Oh, I know what Megos are.  I used to work with Paul Clarke /  Doctor Mego.  I worked for his partner Joe Sena when they were starting up EMCE toys.  I got to play with all of the prototypes for the DC Comics Mego revival series and the new Universal Monster Megos.
That is incredibly cool!  I’ve been working on customs of things they didn’t revive and were never released.  To date, I’ve made (with varying levels of success): Mandrake the Magician, Forbush Man, The Punisher, Michael Meyers from Halloween 2, Magnum P.I., The Headless Horseman, The Vision, The Black Panther, The Silver Surfer, Dr. Doom, Morbius the Living Vampire, Bizarro Superman… and I think that’s it.  Currently I’m working on Hawkman, The Creeper, Zatanna, Beta Ray Bill and a 12” Apache Chief.

What is your zombie outbreak survival plan?
Island survival, possibly.  No prisons.  That shit will get whacky fast.
Yeah, I don’t know why they picked that for The Walking Dead.  I’d definitely pick a military base over a prison.  I’m incorporating that into the post-apocalyptic zombie-epidemic Stand-length book project I’m working on.
I generally don’t do zombie stuff (aside from the satire coming up next) but please, for the sake of all that is holy, make sure your characters actually have zombie films in their world.  That drives me batty.

Weapon of choice:
My bare hands, awash in the viscera of my enemies.

Do you have any special skills?
Not appreciably, no.  I do enjoy acting and have appeared in over 60 films.  None of that extra shit, either.  I have been a professional wrestler, stand-up comedian, paranormal investigator and professional eBay-ist at various points, so those may count.  Oh, I perform weddings as Reverend Dave, specializing in roasting couples as they take their vows.
What films were you in?  Kick us the link to your IMDB profile.
Here you go:  Here is a short list, just the features: Back Woods, Dark Places, Frankenstein Syndrome, A Man Called Nereus, Machined, Reborn, Blood Moon Rising, Silo Killer 2, Sportkill, Orville, Vampegeddon, Crack Whore, Bloody Bloody Bible Camp, Crushed Velvet, Blood Orgy of the Damned, Slices, Jackrabbit Sky, etc., etc.  Most people have seen the Jimmy Eat World music video for “The Middle.” I’m the fat guy.
What was your wrestling name?
Joe Broni.  I never won.  Ever.  I would put your grandma over.  Your cat.  Anyone.

Did you go to college and, if so, what for?
Yes.  I have bachelor’s degrees in English Literature and Psychology and master’s degrees in Creative Writing and Forensic Psychology.

If you went to college, did you manage to pay off your student loans?
Hell no.

Any pets?   If so, what are they and what are their names?
Chloe.  She is a beagle.  She is stupid.

What is your favorite animal?
Sharks, I think.

Speaking of pets, any pet peeves?
People.  Especially people that don’t take care of their own business.
You’ll probably like this then…
You’re right. I do like that.

Favorite / Least favorite Food:
Mexican / Tuna Fish
What about Mexican tuna fish?
Naw, the crap out of the can.  It smells like hell.  It has the same effect on me as tequila: sniff and vomit.

What is your favorite quotation / motto / saying?
“We all negotiate our own contracts.”

What is the best thing that ever happened to you?
Marrying my wife.

What is the worst thing that ever happened to you?
Lots of death recently.

Ever had your heart broken? Is there a story worth telling behind your answer?
Possibly, it depends on how bored you are.  It does involve irritable bowel syndrome.
I’m never bored, I have a very active mental lifestyle, but tell me anyways.  Unless it’s boring.
Sure.  The IBS happened before.  I hugged her once and she sharted in her pants.  I stuck with her through that and she dumped me.  Horrible.

Ever broken someone’s heart? Is there a story worth telling behind your answer?

What is the best thing you’ve ever done?
Married my wife.

What is the worst thing you’ve ever done?
Married my wife (just ask her).

If you could kill one person, who would it be, and why?
Just one?  No, not really.  Death is too good for some people.
Yeah!  Eat shit and LIVE motherfuckers!
Damn straight.  Now, if I could torture someone until the end of time… anyone that abuses animals.  Straight up.  People earn their shitty lives, animals don’t have a choice.

What do you do?
I write and act and teach and none of it is done well.

How did you get started doing what you do?
I’ve just always done it, seriously.  From my earliest recollection.

What is your advice to other people that want to get started doing what you do?
Just do it.  Shut your whiny ass face and take some action.

What are some of the projects you’ve worked on/finished in the past?
Give us a little history if you will.
I’ve got multiple films out there like Bloody Bloody Bible Camp, The Frankenstein Syndrome, Dark Places, etc.  My latest book, Cherub, is coming out from Bizarro Pulp Press.  Most recently, I’ve authored Cannibal Fat Camp, which is cool.  I’ve had plays run off Broadway and films shown worldwide.  Lucky in that respect.

What projects are you working on now?
Currently getting ready to have Die, You Zombie Crackers! come out from BPP as well as America’s Next Dead Model later this year. I am finishing the clown novel as well as a pro-wrestling/giallo/splatterpunk book called Sleeper Hold.  Just finished, literally, shooting for a new film called Dead Quiet and am prepping a new play.
Where did you come up with the name for “Die, You Zombie Crackers!”?
Actually, that was my co-writer on that one, Mark Scioneaux.  He and I are releasing a series of ‘splattire’ novellas through Bizarro Pulp Press.  Cannibal Fat Camp was the first, Crackers is second and Dead Model is third.  More to follow.  I’m kind of a dick for forgetting to mention him in the first place.

What are you watching?
The Trial of the Incredible Hulk starring Bill Bixby.

What are you listening to?
Showtunes.  Right now we have Sweeney Todd, OBC.

What are you reading?
Saga from Image comics.

Favorite author / book?
Clive Barker / Great and Secret Show

Favorite band / song?
The Misfits / Abominable Dr. Phibes

Least favorite band / song?
Nickelback / anything

If you could do anything other than what you do now, what would you do?
I’ve finished the degrees, so I’m thinking of going into the criminal profiling arena.  I’ve published a couple of profiles, so that is fun.

Who would you want to meet that you haven’t met?
You get three choices:
Alive: Clive Barker.
Dead: Ed Wood, Jr.
Fictional: Jesus.
I’ve met Clive Barker.  He’s a sweetheart.  I was coordinating a convention in Los Angeles and he was a guest.  He was recovering from throat surgery so I set him up so he was in a little alcove and didn’t have to constantly get up and take pictures with people because he was in no kind of shape to do so.  He gave me a personalized hardcover of Books of Blood for making sure he was taken care of.  It’s one of my few prized possessions.
I would prize that, too.  He is a genius.

What’s the best and worst job you’ve ever had?
Best: Writer.
Worst: Grease Trap Cleaner, for obvious reasons.

Are there any questions that I didn’t ask that you wished I had asked that you would like to answer now?
Nope, let’s see how this works.

Anyone you recommend I interview that you can put me in touch with?
Anyone from the projects I’ve done.  Take a look and let me know.

Got any questions for me?
Not yet.

Thanks for letting me subject you to being interviewed!
You’re welcome.

Pitch parade:
Give me all of your links for things you want to promote.   All of them.
Affiliate Sites:,,
Coming Soon: (for Mego customs)

About the Interviewee
David C. Hayes is an award-winning author, editor and filmmaker. Most recently, he has written stories for Dark Moon Books, Strangehouse Books, Evil Jester Press, Blood Bound Books and many more. His first collection, American Guignol, was released in 2013 and he is a multiple genre anthology editor. He is the author of Cherub, Cannibal Fat Camp, Muddled Mind: The Complete Works of Ed Wood Jr., Die, You Zombie Crackers! and the Rottentail graphic novel as well as many screenplays, stage plays (his Dial P for Peanuts won an Ethingtony in 2011), articles and more. 
His films, like The Frankenstein Syndrome, Bloody Bloody Bible Camp, A Man Called Nereus, Dark Places and Back Woods, are available worldwide.  He is the co-owner of Cinema Head Cheese (, a geek culture website, and you can visit him online at  David is a voting member of the Horror Writers Association and the Dramatists Guild. He likes creepy hugs and all kinds of cheese.

About the Interviewer:
Scott Lefebvre can write about whatever you want him to write about.
Mostly because when he was grounded for his outlandish behavior as a hyperactive school child, the only place he was allowed to go was the public library.
His literary tastes were forged by the works of Helen Hoke, Alvin Schwartz and Stephen Gammell, Ray Bradbury, Richard Matheson, Stephen King, Clive Barker, Edgar Allan Poe, and H. P. Lovecraft.
He is the author of Spooky Creepy Long Island, and a contributing author to Forrest J. Ackerman’s Anthology of the Living Dead, Fracas: A Collection of Short Friction, The Call of Lovecraft, and Cashiers du Cinemart.
He is currently working on ten novel-length book projects which will be released in 2014.
He also publishes themed collections of interviews from his interview blog You Are Entitled To My Opinion.
His reviews have been published by a variety of in print and online media including Scars Magazine, Icons of Fright, Fatally Yours and Screams of Terror, and he has appeared in Fangoria, Rue Morgue and HorrorHound Magazine.
He is the Assistant Program Director for The Arkham Film Society and produces electronic music under the names Master Control and LOVECRAFTWORK.
He is currently working on a novel-length expansion of a short-story titled, "The End Of The World Is Nigh", a crowd-funded, crowd-sourced, post-apocalyptic, zombie epidemic project.
Check out the blog for the book here:
Check out the Facebook Fan Page for the project here:
Check his author profile at:
Follow him at GoodReads here:
Check out his publishing imprint Burnt Offerings Books here:
And here:
Check out his electronic music here:
And here:
Check out his videos at:
Check out his IMDB profile here:
Follow his Twitter here: or @TheLefebvre
Follow his Tumblr here:
Check out his Etsy here:
Join the group for The Arkham Film Society here:
Stalk his Facebook at:
E-mail him at:

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