Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Interview with Scott Lefebvre.

Interviewee Scott Lefebvre (left) with Interviewer Michael Welch (right).


Michael Welch turns the tables and asks our illustrious and infamous interviewer to answer his own fucking questions! *gasp!*

Full Name:

Scott Sean Lefebvre

Do you have a nickname or what do your friends call you?
I used to be called ScottGunFlu and Scott LeFess because of bands I was in and some people still call me that which I don’t mind. One nickname I do hate is “Scotty”. It always has a condescending passive-aggressive ring to it whenever anyone says it. Plus all of the baby-boomers that use to shout “Beam me up Scotty!” when they found out what my name was. That’s why I’m glad the baby-boomers are dying off in droves because I don’t get that as much.

Woonsocket, Rhode Island. Definitely not a great place to be born.

Woonsocket High School, 1992-ish.

Current hometown:
Cranston, Rhode Island. But I usually just tell people Providence because I lived there for eighteen years or so and it’s where I’d rather be and be from. Nothing good comes from Cranston.
Whenever someone mentions Cranston to me I ask them if they know Freda Felcher because of Dumb and Dumber.  My coworker started me on that.
I’m surprised you heard of Cranston at all.
I don’t know no Freda Felcher, but if she came from Cranston she was probably an asshole.

Favorite city and why?
I have a few favorite cities.
Providence, Rhode Island. For obvious reasons. Those reasons being that it’s a great city and when I was growing up in Woonsocket I always wanted to move to Providence so I did.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Because it’s like a clean New York City and the women there are all amazing. And the dudes are all average by American standards, so I figure if I ever get the chance to move there I could really clean up.
Montreal, Quebec, Canada. I’m not as in love with it as I am Toronto, but I haven’t been to Montreal as often as I have been to Toronto. I still had a great time there. The people were all amazingly friendly and I made some friends there that I still have to this day. Plus prostitution’s legal and I think it’s only fair that a guy should be able to empty off if there’s a girl willing to get paid to help him empty off and since it’s legal it’s safer for everyone involved as opposed to in America where it’s mostly illegal and way more fucking dangerous and unhealthy for everyone involved.
New York City. Because it’s always teeming with activity and people and it seems like it would be a great place to live and get to know people and do cool things.
Indianapolis, Indiana. Because every time I’ve gone out there to be a part of the HorrorHound horror convention I’ve had at least a decent, if not a great time. The people are friendly, if a bit slow compared to east coast standards, but they’re all pretty friendly as long as you don’t mind it being near the bible belt.
Los Angeles, California. The one time I went out to LA I had a great time. There were tons of interesting things and places to see and I liked the layout of the city. Also I kind of didn’t mind the way everyone was kind of laid back out there. I figure a fast-talking fast-thinking creative type like myself cold make a killing if I ever had the chance to set myself up out there.
Austin, Texas. Great city. At least the downtown was awesome. It was like a pocket party town.
St. Louis, Missouri. I had a blast out there and there were lots of attractive women out there. The people were pretty friendly even though it was a bit racially intense. But the apartments were really nice and cheap and I’d definitely move out there if someone offered to relocate me.
My least favorite places were probably West Virginia and Atlanta.
The brief time I spent in either of those states has always been terrifying.
Maine sucks too.

Surrounded by Suicide Girls in Toronto.

September 18, 1975. 38? But I’m not big on celebrating my birthday.

How would you describe yourself physically?
Ugh. Yeah, that’s about right. Ugh.
Sometimes women are nice enough to let me have sex with them but I think it has a lot to do with my sense of humor.
If you can’t dazzle them with your good looks, then blind them with your bullshit.

How would someone else describe you physically?
Some girls think I’m cute and God bless those near-sighted girls.

The first thing people notice about you is…
That’s the weird thing. People usually don’t notice me.
Often when I’m in stores people will ask me for help because I usually dress nice and am relatively clean-cut which is fucking annoying. I always have to say, “I don’t fucking work here.” and they act all offended.
A lot of the time if I’m introduced to someone, and then some time in the future I meet them again, they don’t remember meeting me.
So I’d probably make an excellent serial killer since no one seems to remember me after meeting me.

Hair Color/Eye Color/Race?
Hair: Brown and receding.
Eyes: Brown with a green circle around the outside that you can only notice if you’re in kissing distance.
Race: Human. I always fill out “Other: Human.” When asked what my race is because I don’t believe in racial categorization but some people are really in touch with their ethnic/racial identity which is why I ask about it in the initial interview.

Sexual orientation?
I used to say, “Straight, but not narrow.” but people always thought that meant I was bisexual so now I just go with “Heterosexual”.
Not that I’m homophobic or there’s anything wrong with being bisexual or anything like that.
I have a lot of gay and trans friends and that’s perfectly fine by me, not that my opinion matters.
And I used to have a guy friend that kissed everyone on the mouth when he said goodbye, so I guess I have kissed a boy and it didn’t really do anything for me.
Sometimes gay men flirt with me since I guess I’m a bit of a bear, and it’s always flattering and nice to know that I have options if the whole heterosexual lifestyle doesn’t pan out for me in the long run.

Religion, if any?
I’m an Anti-theist.
A lot of people claim to be atheists and define that position as “Hey, I don’t believe that there’s a God, but if you want to believe in that crazy stupid bullshit that’s okay by me.”.
I’m not an atheist.
I actively oppose religion as stupid superstitious bullshit and part of what keeps our species from achieving its full potential.
You’re going to tell me that you really believe there’s an invisible man that lives in the sky that grants wishes and makes life go the way you want it to and you clasp your hands and close your eyes and think real hard? What about the easter bunny and santa claus and the tooth fairy?
Do you still believe in that bullshit too?
How about Superman and Batman? They’re fictional characters too. Next time you fall off a building or your car is in an uncontrolled skid you might as well pray for Superman or Spider-Man to swoop in and carry your dumb ass to safety. It’ll have the same effect.
It would be different if people’s ridiculous religious beliefs didn’t have an impact on my life every-fucking-day, but it does, especially on Sunday. You’re going to tell me that because the invisible man in the sky supposedly impregnated a virgin two thousand years ago that the liquor stores are all closed and the bus schedule is all fucked up and everything closes early?
Fuck you!
And don’t try to tell me that you’re “spiritual” because that’s just as stupid if not more.
There are no ghosts and there is no afterlife.
If there is the existence of the consciousness after the death of the physical form then why are there not ghost cats and dogs and cows and chickens? What? Are we the only animal that gets to hang out in the location we die and haunt the fuck out of the living? Why are we so fucking special?
Trust me. I used to work overnight security at a hospice, which, if you don’t know is a place where people go to die. If there were such a thing as ghosts that place would be like the containment unit at the Ghostbusters headquarters because we’d get five people in each night and three of them would go out the back door into a hearse before the end of my shift.
I just think that if everyone could agree to put aside all of the stupid superstitious religious bullshit and take responsibility for their own lives and their own behavior and consequences therefrom we would have a much better world in general.

Are you superstitious at all? Any phobias?
I hate to admit it, but I am a little superstitious. I’ll only pick up a penny if it’s heads up for good luck. Anything over a penny though, fuck it, free money! I still wish on falling stars although my wishes never come true. And I still believe in true love although, much like ghosts I’m waiting to have an experience that convinces me of its existence. But I don’t believe in any of that “knock on wood”, four-leaf-clover, black cat, step-on-a-crack bullshit.
As for phobias I’m not terrified of spiders below a certain size, but keep your fucking tarantulas away from me. “They’re really nice and they won’t bite!” Fuck that noise. I’m also not a fan of enclosed spaces but I have no problem at all with the dark. Plus I kind of think that I’m developing social anxiety in my old age because I don’t like people in general since I find most of them to be self-centered and disappointing and I’m usually happier at home by myself working on projects. Ironically, I’m an excellent salesperson. Put me in front of a crowd with an agenda or a task to complete and I’m golden. That’s why I’d much rather work a table at a convention than just attend them.

Do you smoke/drink?   If so, what?   Any bad habits?
I do smoke cigarettes. Cloves if I can get them and anything if not since I’m addicted.
It’s a filthy habit and I’ve quit a few times for a few years but I always come back to it.
And don’t try to sell me on any of your e-cigarette bullshit because any real smoker will tell you it’s just not the same.
I don’t smoke pot as a habit, but I don’t mind if you do and I would support legalizing it if so many people weren’t so fucking annoying and useless when they’re stoned. Although on the rare occasion I can be lured into smoking if I’m going to be doing something awesome like seeing a band that’s better when you’re stoned or I’m going to make out with a lady-person. Plus I smoked my body weight in marijuana when I was in college and after a while I just got bored with being stoned ridiculous. Overall I prefer stimulants because they help to address my lifelong problems with ADHD. What were we talking about?
I drink socially and alcohol has never been a real problem for me aside from a couple accidental binge nights. Alcohol is a slippery slope for me, but as long as I keep it to under a six pack a night or one drink an hour I can use that drug fairly responsibly and I’m a great drunk driver.
Bad habits? I don’t censor what I say. I always say what I mean and mean what I say. I mean, I’m not completely insensitive but I kind of refuse to act in half measures. I’m either all in or I can’t be bothered. Plus I masturbate a lot. Well, not a lot anymore, but I used to jerk-off, like, five times a day in college if I wasn’t dating anyone, and three if I was. Then it dropped down to about three times a day and now I’m down to one or two times a day if I see something suitably stimulating. I don’t think it’s a bad habit, per se, but it’s not something I’m really proud about, but a man has needs and at least I’m not hassling any women about it.

Current occupation/Dream job:
Security officer. I’m not proud of it, but it pays the rent.
Plus I’m kind of good at it which is worth something I guess.
I’ve got it down so I do just the right amount of something and nothing to keep my job.
My dream job would be to write or make art or music for a living.
I managed to do it for three months last winter but I couldn’t keep it up and had to go back to wage-slavery to keep a roof over my head.
I’m awesome at writing and awesome at ghost-writing for other people.
I can turn a solid treatment into a feature-length screenplay in three to five days.
The problem is that there are so many fucking hacks out there that think that because they can write that it makes them a writer so it’s tough to get yourself noticed as a writer.
I’ve written five screenplays and two books for people as a ghost-writer, but it’s tough to advertise yourself as a ghost-writer since the whole point is that you’re not supposed to take credit for the finished work.

What do you like to do when you’re not at work?
I like to hang out by myself at home and work on projects. And if I don’t have any projects to work on I’ll watch movies all day and night.
If I had a girlfriend I’d probably like to hang out with her, but I don’t so that’s a rhetorical supposition. But I’d still probably just want to hang out and watch movies and maybe have sex a couple times a day so I guess my daily routine wouldn’t really change much except for the sex part.
I always do, like, three things at once.
A lot of the time I’ll be working on some writing project while listening to some audio for samples while watching a movie in the background.
As soon as I’m awake I need to be doing, like, five things at once to kind of fend off the persistent closing in of depression so I like to keep busy and if I don’t have a project to work on I make one up and start working on it.
Like this interview blog for example!

What is your zombie outbreak survival plan?
You know what’s funny? Despite the fact that I’m a huge fan of everything zombie I really don’t have a zombie outbreak survival plan. I think that the whole world is going to be like the first ten minutes of the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead, except that’s it’s going to be like that for a year straight at least and start to get worse like World War Z worse. I don’t think anyone can really plan for that kind of thing but I think it’s amusing and interesting to ask people what their plan is because most of my friends have at least imagined what it would be like to try to survive in a zombie apocalypse at least one in their lives.
I mean, let’s be honest, people totally lose their shit if the internet goes down or if their cell phones don’t work. I can’t imagine what’s going to happen when your average American has to deal with some real third-world-problems shit but I think it’s interesting to think about and I enjoy thinking about zombies and post-apocalyptic stuff which is why I’m working on a post-apocalyptic zombie epidemic novel-length book project which you have been kind/cool enough to contribute to at the level where I get to write you in as a character which I’m looking forward to doing.

Weapon of choice:
Ooh! I think butterfly knives are cool.
I always carry a linoleum knife in my pocket so I guess that would be my real “weapon of choice” although I’ve never had occasion to use it on anyone in anger.
I really like shooting guns and rifles. The bigger the better!
I’m actually a pretty good marksman with an M-16 which is saying something since that rifle is a piece of shit.
And throwing two-hand grenades was the coolest part of ARMY basic training for me.
The rest of it sucked pretty fucking hard.

What’s the largest gun/rifle you’ve shot?  Best/worst?
Biggest was the .50 cal during ARMY Basic Training. It may not look like much but it kicks like a horse if it’s not mounted on something. Pushed me all the way to the back to the foxhole I was standing in when I was given a two-foot chain of bullets to rattle off. That was probably the best too. I haven’t had a lot of chance to bust off rounds even though I’m always down to go to the firing range if someone has some weapons they want to let off. I’ll even buy the ammo!
Worst is probably the .22 cal. It’s like a joke of a gun. You’re almost better off just punching someone. I know that if you put enough of them into someone or pick your shots it can be effective, but if I had my pick of weapons the .22 cal wouldn’t be it.

Do you have any special skills?
I can fold an origami crane with my eyes closed but I can’t tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue.
I can play bass and guitar fairly well and can carry a tune without the help of a bucket.
I’m good in bed , and by in bed, I mean, at sex, or at least I’ve been told I’m a decent if not better than average fuck.
I have a nice penis but I don’t know if that’s a special skill.
I can also write more and better than anyone else I know but I can’t figure out how to make any money from it so I guess that doesn’t count as a special skill.
I’m not a bad artist but I’m also not a great one but I don’t charge a lot so you get what you pay for.
I’m really good at persuasion if given half a chance and I was really good at being a counselor/psychologist but I went to school for the wrong thing so I couldn’t get certified and therefore couldn’t make a living wage off of my skills which is why I’m a security officer instead.

Did you go to college and, if so, what for?
I went to college. Rhode Island College.
It took me five years to graduate.
I started off wanting to major in art and music and psychology because I figured those were three things I was good at.
I ended up dropping art and music because all of the professors in the art department were of the “If you can’t be famous, then teach.” variety and weren’t the least bit supportive of anything I did. They seemed to forget that I was paying their salaries with my tuition.
I dropped music because they assumed that you were a high school band geek and had been cranking out music theory for four years and I spent my two music classes with my arm in the air like I used concrete for deodorant so that wasn’t going to work out that well for me.
I followed through with psychology and I picked up a minor in tech theater because I got a work-study job in the theater department and I was really good at sound and lighting.
I didn’t follow-through with the tech theater thing because post-graduate employment is really competitive and political and I’m not in the habit of flattering or cozening anyone to try to get work. I do good work. If you want to hire me, fine, awesome! But I’m not going to suck your dick. But I do regularly use the skills I picked up during my years working in tech theater all the time so I don’t regret the time I spent pursuing that major and working in college theater.
I wish that someone along the way had told me that I should have studied Social Work instead of psychology because you can’t get certified as an undergraduate with a bachelors degree in psychology, but you can get certified as an undergraduate with a bachelors degree in Social Work. Pretty much I was doing the same job as a social worker, and better more often than not to be honest, but since I picked the wrong major I was always hired for nightmarish direct care jobs. Pretty much I was hired because I’m kind of a big guy in some people’s eyes and I look like I can handle myself, so I got hired to pretty much be a prison guard for crazy people for little more than minimum wage.

If you went to college, did you manage to pay off your student loans?
Nope. That’s why I ask people that question.
I managed to get $40,000 down to $15,000 by working full-time while I was in college and paying down the balance whenever I had money to spare, but because I picked the wrong major and nobody ever told me any different all I could land were shit jobs that didn’t pay well so I defaulted on my student loans and they keep adding on interest so what was once $15,000 is now $20,000 and I don’t see myself ever being able to pay off that debt unless I manage to get famous enough to be wealthier or if my parents die in a decent financial position so I can spend my inheritance to bail myself out.

Any pets?   If so, what are they and what are their names?
Not currently, but I like to visit other people’s pets and hang out at the pet store. Kind of like a “try before you buy" thing.
“Hey, buddy! You gonna buy that rabbit or just hang out all day playing with it?”
But I used to have a cat named “Tinkerbell”. Don’t judge.

What is your favorite animal?
Domestically, probably cats and dogs, although I think I like cats better than dogs because you have to earn their respect and they don’t slobber all over you.
Non-domestically I like the platypus because when it was discovered people didn’t know what the fuck to make of it because it shouldn’t really exist.
I also like bats and owls and hawks and lions and tigers and bears and all sorts of shit.
I’m really a fan of the Liger. Because I saw one in person once and it’s fucking terrifying!
Oh, and I fucking hate prairie dogs. Ask me about the scar on my calf and I’ll tell you about why I hate prairie dogs.
If we’re not insanely busy the next time I see you please show me the scar and tell me the story.
We’ll make time at Rock & Shock.

Speaking of pets, any pet peeves?
I have more pet peeves than I do anything else, or as George Carlin says, “I don't have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
I even made a video starring an adorable panda to tell everyone about all of the things I hate.

Favorite/Least favorite Food:
I love sushi but I can only afford it every now and then.
My fallback is pizza and nachos.
As long as a restaurant has some kind of nachos on the menu, chances are you can order that for me if I have to take a piss and the waitress shows up to take the food order while I’m gone and I won’t be disappointed.
I also always get hot coffee and iced water. I like to stay caffeinated and hydrated and I expect to be able to get those shits refilled at least twice during the meal.
If you’re going to swing by and passive-aggressively ask me how my food is while I have a mouth full of nachos, refill my coffee and water while you’re there or fuck right off.
I don’t have a least favorite food as long as it’s free I’ll eat all of it.
Deep fried monkey’s assholes? Sure!

What is your favorite quotation/motto/saying?
I used to have dozens. Now I have none.
I guess the ones I use most often are “You can’t build a bridge out of should.” because so many people feel compelled to tell me how things should be done and they never fucking do anything about it.
Another favorite of mine is “I say what I mean and mean what I say.” Because I hate people that overindulge in sarcasm because it’s weak and requires everyone to say everything twice which is a waste of time.

What is the best thing that ever happened to you?
When I was in fifth grade I won the city-wide spelling bee and got to go to the statewide spelling bee which was not too shabby. But I fucked up on the word “tandem”. Fuck “tandem”.
One time my band Shotgun Flu played this show at Command D in Dracut Massachusetts and when we first went to the venue I thought we’d be playing in this comic book shop. Like, pushing the long-boxes aside and playing for less than ten people like usual. But then when we show up that night we are led into this huge abandoned warehouse and, like, three-hundred kids showed up and they went the fuck off and it was awesome! So that was pretty nice.
When I was in my band FESS we got to play with some awesome bands and I got to play at The Rat and CBGBs so that was pretty fucking cool.
One time the publisher of my first book Spooky Creepy Long Island set up an in-store book-signing event on Long Island and, like, five hundred people showed up so I got to pretend like I was famous for one night, like, signing autographs and people asking to have their picture taken with me, so that was pretty awesome.
I got to pretty much book my own horror convention with other people’s money for the Creation Weekend of Horrors a couple times and that was pretty rad. Although they screwed me out of attending the convention and paying me my full consultation fee the second time around so fuck those assholes.
And any time any girl has been nice enough to let me put parts of my anatomy into parts of her anatomy I’ve felt pretty awesome so there’s that.

What is the worst thing that ever happened to you?
I’ve had a lot of shitty things happen to me.
My father split on my mom when I was five and they kind of used me to fuck with each other for a few years so that sucked.
It took me until I started dating, and even then after I had to break up with a few girls to realize why my dad had to split with my mom.
Grade school and high school were fucking awful.
I was a benchmark ADHD kid so no one knew what to do with me.
In kindergarten I accidentally put a girl’s eye out by throwing a pebble while playing at recess so they made me kneel on the asphalt in a corner for the rest of the year during recess.
In first grade they literally put me at a desk in the back of the room inside of a refrigerator box and handed me work to do.
In second grade I wasn’t allowed to play with the other kids at recess so I had to sit on a curb and watch the other kids play.
At lunch time I was made to sit at a separate table all by myself because I distracted the other kids. Not just during second grade, but K through six.
I had to go see a school psychiatrist that was really shitty at his job and would always ask me “What game are you playing?” and “Why are you playing games?” like I was a little Hannibal Lecter and my hyperactive behavior was premeditatedly planned like I was a little evil genius.
So, yeah, all of that sucked.
My high school was more like a prison than a learning facility.
It was really racially intense and I wasn’t racist, but just like in prison you find your own kind of people and stick with them out of a sense of self-defense and self-preservation.
I spent a lot of time worrying about if I was going to get my ass kicked either by some kid twice my size or three or four kids my size.
I spent a couple walks home by myself getting punched and kicked or spit on for the whole walk home so I started carrying a serrated steak knife in my backpack to stop that shit.
So you can see why I fucking hated high school and couldn’t wait to for it to be over and I didn’t really get good grades. It’s kind of tough to focus on your school work when some stupid motherfucker is spitting on you from behind.
Plus I never got the point of gym class so I would never go and that fucked over my GPA which I really resent. I shouldn’t have had to spend a period of my school day every day playing teenaged recess and be penalized because I don’t want to play flag football.
That’s pretty much the worst shit.
It’s interesting to me, since I chose the opposite path, that you went to college despite having such a difficult high school experience.  Did you have a “fuck you all, I’m doing this” mentality?
Naw, man. I just figured if I wanted to get a decent job I would have to go to college and get a degree. Mostly because when I got out of the ARMY where I had been doing clinical psychiatry and I applied for jobs as a psychologist they told me that I had to go to college to be a psychologist so I decided to apply for college and to my surprise, despite my bad grades, my SAT scores got me in as a trial admittance and I did well enough in summer college classes that they let me enroll and attend full time.

Ever had your heart broken? Is there a story worth telling behind your answer?
Yeah. A few times.
It’s always the worst when you get to be someone’s friend first and then end up in a relationship with them and when you break up they want nothing to do with you.
Don’t get me wrong that whole, “I don’t want to because it will fuck up our friendship.” thing is just a bullshit excuse from your lady-friends that don’t think you’re attractive enough to have sex with. That’s a fact.
The last time was pretty fucking rough as I thought I had found the girl I wanted to settle down with for the rest of my life and she’d be the last girl I had to date and all that.
I wasn’t interested in any other girl. Didn’t even check them out.
But she hit twenty-one pretty fucking hard and couldn’t handle her alcohol and ended up in a lot of precarious situations with guys I didn’t know so I had to either break it off with her or end up putting some asshole in a shallow grave for acquaintance-raping my girlfriend when she blacked out so I chose the former.
It was tough, but I had to do what I had to do and I keep kind of hoping she’ll wise up and come back around someday but being blocked on every form of social media and not responding to my e-mails kind of gives me the sense that I shouldn’t be holding my breath.
That was around two years ago, and I haven’t dated anyone since.
Not for lack of trying, but I’m kind of not interested in getting to know some strange girl and having to pretend to care about what she has to say as she rattles off all of the trivia about her life and her job and her pets and her family and her asshole ex-boyfriends and all of her bullshit on the off chance that she might let me make out with her so I just stopped trying.
Pretty much I’m just looking to find a woman that is only interested in my particular brand of bullshit and isn’t interested in anyone else.
The kind of girl that when other guys try to pick her up she says, “Oh, no thank you. I’ve already got one. But thanks for offering!” because that’s the kind of guy I am and they’re surprisingly hard to find.
All the good ones are taken and the rest are crazy and more trouble than they’re worth.
Since we both go to our share of horror conventions, what are your thoughts on the seemingly epidemic “con hook up” scene?  I never have seen evidence of this but apparently it happens (hence the reputation).  I understand that theoretically it would be easier to find someone of a similar nature at a show, but I’ve never experienced that particular form of magic.
Alright, honesty time. I’ve gotten laid at a convention all of once. This redhead came up to my booth and said, “You’re cute!” and I replied, “You’re not so bad looking yourself! Are we gonna hang out later?” and it was pretty much set from there although she made me jump through some hoops before letting me in. What I’ve noticed, which is pretty frustrating, is that you’ll meet a girl at some convention hours and miles away from where you’re from and you’ll get along famously. You know, really hit it off. You can tell that she likes you she can tell that you like her and the guy she came with is “just a friend” that has definitely been friend-zoned for life. So you try to make plans to hang out and she acts all coy. Then a week later when you’re back at home she’ll come on like, “Hey! I really like you. Do you want to come out and visit sometime?” which is obviously a long-distance hook-up call because I’m not going to drive or fly for hours and spend hundreds of dollars on gas or a plane ticket so we can hang out and watch horror movies together. Well if you liked me so god-damned much then why didn’t we at least make out when I was spending the weekend where you live? That’s happened to me three or four times. I don’t mind, because it’s nice to know someone somewhere digs your variety of dude, and it’s not like I have anything going on around here, but it always ends up being a long-distance “Maybe we can hang out the next time you’re in town.” Kind of thing and I always end up being the one that goes out to visit them and no matter how much they promise that they’re going to return the favor and come visit me someday they never do. Something always gets in the way or they start dating someone local and it’s “Sorry, Jack, but you’re too far away.” Most girls that attend a convention all whored up are just looking for attention, and since I usually work a table I give them the attention they desire if I can talk them into buying something from my booth but I tend not to try to make a love connection at conventions anymore. Plus the guy-to-girl ratio at conventions is so unbalanced that the odds are stacked against you. You’re better off joining a bunch of Facebook horror fan pages and Friend Requesting girls that comment on things you post or like your comments. That way you can maybe start up a conversation about a horror movie that you both like with something like, “So, Suspiria, eh?”. I used to do that on MySpace and I cleaned up but Facebook is a different beast for some reason. It’s like all of the horror sluts on MySpace decided to clean up their act when they moved over to Facebook. But what do I know? I haven’t touched a woman outside of a handshake for almost two years.

Ever broken someone’s heart? Is there a story worth telling behind your answer?
A few I’m sure.
I’ve “been with” over fifty women before I stopped keeping count so someone along the line is bound to feel that they ended up with the short end of the relationship stick.
I’m not promiscuous or anything and certainly not bragging.
Half of them I shouldn’t have bothered with in the first place.
I’m just always casting for the leading lady in the movie that is my life and haven’t found the right one yet.
Actually, that reminds me, the worst way to get broken up with is when I have plans with my girlfriend, on Friday night, for example, and when I try to call them to confirm plans they don’t answer their phone. That totally sucks and I’ve had that done to me, like, five times.
I know there’s a couple girls that I had to break up with or make a conscious decision not to be involved with or have anything to do with anymore because they wanted more out of the relationship than I was willing to put into it.
But either they were completely un-deal-with-able batshit catshit ratshit crazy or the sex was terrible and we would be better off just being friends, or they decided to time-share their vagina without letting me know and I found out because no one is able to keep a secret.
I don’t expect to have porn-quality sex with every girl I date, but I always bring my A-game so I don’t see why you wouldn’t bring yours. Just lying there and looking at the ceiling isn’t fair.
I can’t do all of the fucking work, ladies, like most things in life, you get out of it what you put into it. And don’t tell me that you’re into rough sex and then complain when you can’t walk the next day. Be careful what you wish for. Because if you say you like it rough I am going to do my limit best (outside of closed-fist punching which I’m not fucking into) to destroy you.
Plus I don’t date girls because I need a lady-friend.
I’ve got lots of lady-friends that I don’t have sex with already.
If we’re dating and we don’t fuck for more than a week outside of that “special week” that everyone knows and loves so well, your ass is up for review because something isn’t working out.
I know that sex isn’t the only thing in a relationship but if we’re not going to fuck on at least a weekly basis then let’s break up or line me up with someone that I can fuck because if I’m fucking myself more often than I fuck you, then I don’t know why we’re in a relationship.
I’m okay with being in a casual sex relationship as long as we set some basic ground rules and are completely honest about the whole arrangement but that never really lasts for any extended period of time and long-distance relationships are the worst.

What is the best thing you’ve ever done?
I helped a lot of people when I used to work as a counselor. I made a change in the lives of a lot of children and adolescents and adults. I really liked what I was doing and I was good at it, but I couldn’t make a living wage from doing it so I had to look for work elsewhere.
Also people always tell me about stuff I said to them that I never remember saying.
It’s weird, because I’m not an amnesiac, but I guess it didn’t mean much to me and I was just being honest and straightforward like I always am and it really meant a lot to them but I just took it in stride.
But it’s always cool when someone says to me, “Remember when you said or did that thing? That was awesome!” because I know I’m awesome, but it’s always nice to hear someone else say it.

What is the worst thing you’ve ever done?
I’ve done some shitty things but I sleep okay at night.
Mostly I feel bad about the stupid things I’ve done or things that I did that I should have handled differently but didn’t know any better at the time.
That’s the kind of shit that keeps me up at night.
I made a girl named Dawn cry by accident in art class in high school and I felt pretty bad about that because she was nothing but nice, so that was pretty shitty.
But I also made this whore Shannon cry in high school because she was being a cunt to me so I called her a “cum dumpster” and she broke out crying which was pretty awesome.
Karma’s a wheel and it keeps on turning.
I’ve got a pretty decent moral compass and I try not to do things I know I’ll feel bad about later.
I’ve never raped, molested or killed anyone, and never kicked an ass that didn’t deserve to be kicked and almost always in self-defense, and even then after a ton of provocation. I don't start fights, but I usually do end them. So I think I’ve done alright in this life all things considered.

If you could kill one person, consequence free, who would it be and why?
I would kill everyone. Just press the reset button on this experiment called “humanity”.
I seriously don’t think that human beings are as great and important as they seem to think they are.
They seriously, literally, think that they’re the fucking center of the universe and the reason that everything is, at least some of them do.
But on a day-to-day basis I usually want to kill about a dozen people if I have to go out in public and try to get shit done.
It’s usually petty shit like people wasting my time by being stupid.
It’s like, “You’re at least fucking sixty fucking years old and you don’t know how the fucking post-office works yet you stupid old fuck? How fucking hard is it to mail a fucking package? And do you really need to waste my time waiting in line asking for special fucking stamps for your stupid fucking letters that no one gives a shit about because they all secretly hate you and wish you were dead all-fucking-ready?” You know, that kind of shit.
I know it makes me look like an asshole, but I have a really low frustration tolerance level because of my ADHD and I just wish everyone would have their shit together like I do.
When I go up to the counter, the conversation goes, “I would like to send this to there.” “That will be this much money.” “Here you go.” “Here’s your receipt.” “Thanks.”
BOOM! I’m out of there in under three minutes.
I just hate having to wait on line because someone else is too stupid or lazy or stupid and lazy to figure out the way that the world works.
If you were able to kill everyone to reset the world would you: a) kill yourself as well; b) keep yourself and a female of your choice alive to repopulate and start over; c) do the “last man on earth” thing; d) none of the above?
Either a) or c) depending on how I’m feeling of a day. But probably c) then a).
Well at least you’d have some time on earth as the only human.  That’s heavy duty.
I always imagine it like The Last Man On Earth starring Vincent Price except without the zompires. Or like Burgess Meredith as Harry Bemis in the Twilight Zone episode “Time Enough At Last” except without the broken glasses. That’s why I like blizzards and hanging out in abandoned places or driving around so late at night that it’s early and everyone’s in bed asleep. I like to pretend I’m the only person left alive on the planet. I know it’s kind of weird, but I never said I was normal.

What do you do?
Geez! What DON’T I do? You can see a whole list of the shit that I do in my “About the Interviewee” section. And, seriously, it’s a pretty long list.

How did you get started doing what you do?
I got started writing books by reading a ton of them.
Then one time when I sent an e-mail to a publisher asking to get a couple free books for review they pretty much said, “Hey! Your e-mail is pretty well composed. Ever thought about writing a book?” and I was like Jason Lee at the end of Mallrats and I haven’t looked back since.
I got started making music because my grandfather was apparently a musician and when he died my uncle inherited all of his stuff and there were a couple cool guitars at my house since my uncle was living with us at the time and a couple of my high school friends that knew how to play guitar wanted to come over and play them so I made them teach me how to play guitar and then I taught myself the rest by playing along with songs from bands I loved.
I started making electronic music when I downloaded a program to cut the silence out of those self-indulgent “Hidden Tracks” that bands sometimes put at the end of their records and I realized you could use the same program to cull samples and edit them together.
I started making art in high school because I had a few decent art teachers that encouraged me to develop my marginal artistic talent. I’m not as good as I’d like to be but better than some people who have no idea about how I’m capable of making the art I make which is just fine by me.
I started programming films because there was a local horror festival that my friend Josh Gravel and I took over. Then they fired us which is hilarious, because they said we stole a case of vodka. I don’t drink vodka and Josh doesn’t drink at all, so we said “Fuck those assholes!” and started doing our own thing. I’m apparently not very good at programming film events so I mostly just help Josh but I still get to say that I’m one of the three members of The Arkham Film Society.

What is your advice to other people that want to get started doing what you do?
Most of the people that I interview say “Just do it and keep doing it.”.
That’s not bad advice.
But I’d follow that up with, “Try everything and find out what you’re good at.”
I’d also say that you have to study the work that has preceded you.
If you want to be an author, read books. All of them. All the time.
If you want to make music, listen to all of it that you can get your hands on.
If you want to make art, study art.
If you want to make movies, watch ten thousand of them before you try to make your first one.
And always practice, practice, practice.
When I used to play guitar I would wake up every morning and play Start Today by the Gorilla Biscuits front to back, in order, the whole album, as it was a fun challenge to master it.
When I was in a Ramones cover band I’d play our whole set through twice a night.
Whenever I was in a band during practice I’d make us run through the whole set twice and try to write at least one new song each week.
And be prepared to practice your art for free until you establish yourself.
I’ve been lucky that most of my bands have been able to do shows and all of my writing has been published but it also took a fuckload of hard work and practice and doing shit for free.
And I STILL can’t support myself doing what I love and I have to hold down a regular wage-slave job.
If someone doesn’t know who you are they aren’t going to give you money for your work and when you’re starting out nobody knows who you are so be prepared to work for free until you establish yourself as being good at what you do.
I’d also say that compliments are nice, but criticism is much more valuable.
Find someone whose opinion you trust, or even better, someone doing what you want to do whose work you admire, and get them to check out your work.
I’d much rather receive solid criticism than empty compliments.
That being said, follow your heart. Always listen to the voice inside your head unless that voice is telling you to rape and murder. People won’t always understand what you’re trying to do, but as long as you try as hard as you can to do what you intended to do and it feels good while you’re doing it and it makes sense to you and you’re happy with the end result, then keep on doing it.
Someday, somehow, you’ll find someone, somewhere, that feels the same way and will appreciate what you’re doing and it will make it all worth the time and effort you put into it.

What are some of the projects you’ve worked on/finished in the past? Give us a little history if you will.
I think I already kind of did that in my answers to the previous questions and in my “About the Interviewee” section.
I mostly ask this question because people forget to mention their history and past projects.

What projects are you working on now?
As you know, I’m working on a post-apocalyptic zombie epidemic novel-length book project.
You can check out my pitch and contribute to the project here:

What are you watching?
Nothing lately. Been way too busy keeping up on this interview blog and my post-apocalyptic zombie epidemic novel-length book project. Plus I have five books queued up for review so I’ve been mostly listening to and editing music while working on that stuff.
The last thing I watched was The IT Crowd which was pretty fucking funny.
Although I have over 6,000 movies and TV show episodes in AVI format on a 3T external drive and I’m looking forward to being able to watch some more of that after I get caught up on my zombie book work and interview blog work.

What are you listening to?
Today I listened to the entire Jesus Lizard discography because I was working on an interview with William Hellfire and he’s got David Yow, the singer from Jesus Lizard starring in his latest film and I keep trying to get into Jesus Lizard and failing so I figured I’d give it another try.
Then I spend the rest of the night listening to the Daimajin Memorial Box Soundtrack Boxed Set.
I’m really all over the place musically.
I’ve got over 50 genres in my Windows Media Player.
I’ve got over 60,000 MP3s on my laptop.
I’m not really into “new” music as I find most of it to be a weak derivative of stuff I’m already into so I’ve been having a lot more fun discovering older music from bands I hadn’t heard of.
But, seriously, when I set the Winamp app on my phone to random I can go from listening to Slayer to Mobb Deep to Neurosis to Chopin to Bong-Ra to A Tribe Called Quest to High On Fire to RUN DMC.
It’s like they say, “I don’t know what’s good, but I know what I like.” except I do know what’s good, because it’s what I like.

What are you reading?
I always carry a paperback of The Hagakure by Yamamoto Tsunetomo, as translated by William Scott Wilson as I have found it to be a bottomless well of life lessons and I admire, although I do not have the fortitude of will to adhere to, Bushido philosophy.
I also have digital copies of two books from John F D Taff to read and review.
And digital copies of three books by Stephen Biro to read and review.
So that’s what I’m going to start working on as soon as I finish with interviewing myself.

Favorite author/book?
Oof. Tough one.
Probably The Hagakure by Yamamoto Tsunetomo, as translated by William Scott Wilson.

Favorite band/song?
That sucks I can’t even answer my own stupid questions.
Probably “Radio Tuned To The Sounds Of Hearts Breaking” by Drowningman

Least favorite band/song?
Anything I hear coming out of a radio.
I hate to be that crotchety old fuck, but I also believe in honesty.

Desert Island Music/Movies/Books: You know the deal. Five of each.
Always hated this one, but it’s such an easy question to throw at people to figure out the kind of person that they are and what they’re into.
Tom Waits – Spare Change
Chopin – Complete Nocturnes
John Coltrane - Giant Steps
Guns ‘n’ Roses – Appetite For Destruction
Metallica – Master of Puppets
The last two I’m not so sure about but they’re pretty flawless albums.
Apocalypse Now
Taxi Driver
The Exorcist
Silence of the Lambs
Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
I’ve got a big soft spot for the Universal Monsters and the other four I’ve seen at least two hundred times a piece so I guess I must like them.
Clive Barker – Books of Blood
Charles Bukowski – Ham On Rye
A CBR of all of the comic book Beautiful Stories for Ugly Children.
A CBR of all of The Uncanny X-Men
The Hagakure by Yamamoto Tsunetomo, as translated by William Scott Wilson

If you could do anything other than what you do now, what would you do?
Get paid to do the things I do in my spare time until I hated having to do them for money.
Namely writing, making art, and making music.

Who would you want to meet that you haven’t met? You get three choices:
Alive. Dead. Fictional.

I’ve been really fortunate that I’ve met most of the people that I’ve wanted to meet.
Alive: Stephen King or Henry Rollins.
Dead: Charles Bukowski.
Fictional: God.

What’s the best and worst job you’ve ever had?
Best job was convention coordinator.
I’m really fucking good at it and I’ve rarely felt more alive than when I’m on the convention floor handling problems as they come up and watching everything fall into place the way I planned and watching people have fun and tell me what I great time they had.
I love that feeling and I was fortunate enough to be able to book a few shows.
Everyone asks me “Well why don’t you apply for that job then?” and I always tell them “I DID FUCKING APPLY FOR THAT JOB!” I contacted Wizard and Reed Exhibitions and HorrorHound and Rock & Shock and Rhode Island Comic Con and, trust me, Convention Coordinator isn’t exactly the kind of job that people are willing to give up, especially if they think that they’re doing a perfectly job already, thank you very much.
The problem is, “If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting.” And a lot of conventions don’t seem to know how to grow their shows any way but organically. Even if people go onto the online forums for the convention and complain about stale guests and organizational clusterfucks the convention organizers don’t want to have to pay anyone to fix what’s wrong and help them make a decent show into an awesome show which is what I do and do amazingly if I do say so myself.
I was having a promising series of meetings with the guy from Rhode Island Comic Con but at our last meeting he shows up with two of his assistants and ambushes me with these two guys that think that they have seen it all and can do everything I say that I can do for the convention if they split the work between them so I’m not really waiting to hear back from that guy.
Fuck it. Good luck with your two guys. Has either of them almost single-handedly programmed and coordinated two $100,000 budget shows from beginning to end? No? Well la-di-fucking-da and color me surprised. Guess what? I have. So good luck with your next show and when your two amateur assistants can't handle the pressure and fuck up and fuck off then let me know when you’re ready to hire a pro.
I also really liked being the Brand Manager for FearWerx. Lots of paid travel and I got to see a lot of cool places and it was really relaxed work environment where I could set my own goals and my success was measured by how much work I did not how long it took me to do it and since I always try to be of maximum effectiveness when I approach a task that worked out well for me. But a combination of the downturn in the economy and my boss landing some fat toy prototyping work causing him to not re-invest in the brand killed that horse.
The worst job was pretty much every other job.
Anytime you’re going to someplace you’d rather not be to do something you’d rather not be doing for money because you need money to survive it’s not a good situation.
I’m 38 and I’ve had at least 50 jobs so that says something about how well I deal with your normal nine-to-five routine.
Plus I have a sleep-cycle disorder that I can’t claim as a disability that fucks me up when I have to show up for anything other than third shift which has fucked up more than one job for me.

Are there any questions that I didn’t ask that you wished I had asked that you would like to answer now?
Jumping Jesus on a flaming pogo stick! NO!
Now I know how everybody else feels when they have to fill out this survey.
Although, to be honest, most people don’t take the time and effort that I did, but I figured if I was going to do it I wanted to do it right and set a good example and I LOVE being interviewed!

Got any questions for me?
There! Are you glad you asked?
Be careful what you wish for.
I enjoyed reading this.
I’m glad you enjoyed reading this.

Closing questions / summary / and thanks:
Thanks for making me turn the chess board and play from the other side.
This was fun!
But I’m glad I got it out of the way and hopefully won’t have to do it again anytime soon.

Pitch parade:
Give me all of your links for things you want to promote.   All of them.

See below.

About the Interviewee:
Scott Lefebvre has probably read everything you've read and can write about whatever you want him to write about.
Mostly because when he was grounded for his outlandish behavior as a hyperactive school child, the only place he was allowed to go was the public library.
His literary tastes were forged by the works of Helen Hoke, Alvin Schwartz and Stephen Gammell, Ray Bradbury, Richard Matheson, Stephen King, Clive Barker, Edgar Allan Poe, and H. P. Lovecraft.
He is the author of Spooky Creepy Long Island and a contributing author to Forrest J. Ackerman’s Anthology of the Living Dead, Fracas: A Collection of Short Friction, The Call of Lovecraft, and Cashiers du Cinemart.
His reviews have been published by a variety of in print and online media including Scars Magazine, Icons of Fright, Fatally Yours and Screams of Terror, and he has appeared in Fangoria, Rue Morgue and HorrorHound Magazine.
He is the Assistant Program Director for The Arkham Film Society and produces Electronic Music under the names Master Control and LOVECRAFTWORK.
He is currently working on a novel-length expansion of a short-story titled, "The End Of The World Is Nigh", a crowd-funded, crowd-sourced, post-apocalyptic, zombie epidemic project.
You can check out the blog for the book here:
You can check out the Facebook Fan Page for the project here:
You can check his author profile at:
You can follow him at GoodReads here:
You can check out his electronic music here: soundcloud.com/master_control
You can check out his videos at: www.youtube.com/user/doctornapoleon
You can check out his IMDB profile here: www.imdb.com/name/nm3678959/
You can follow his Twitter here: twitter.com/TheLefebvre or @TheLefebvre
You can follow his Tumblr here: thelefebvre.tumblr.com/
You can check out his Etsy here: www.etsy.com/people/arkhamscreenings
You can join the group for The Arkham Film Society here:
You can stalk his Facebook at:
You can e-mail him at: Scott_Lefebvre@hotmail.com

About the Interviewer:

Michael Welch is a man who wants to tell you stories.  He wrote his first pieces in fourth grade and turned up the volume in high school, and has done a variety of projects since.  He currently writes fiction, screenplays and his favorite, nonfiction.  He even writes and (badly) draws a humor comic.  Currently Michael is a partner in Roadkill Entertainment, making independent horror films, and cohosts the online review show The Horror Of It All.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/roadkillentertainment
Website: http://jaybyrne75.wix.com/roadkillentertainment#!

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